This past year or so I have dealt with more in my life than what I had hoped for. Events just seemed to take place all in a short while and I seemed to be left standing in its chaos. I will admit, I am still in the process of piecing things back together. This blog is mainly about reflection...so, bare with me a second or two...
I am one who always tries to fix what is broken. If someone is upset with me, I want to talk about it. If someone needs advice, I am never word shy. But...sometimes ( in midst of my want to help) I accidentally break what was already fixed. I am the world's worst at assuming and it has definitely gotten me into some tight spots. So, I am daily working on that flaw.
I know more often than not, my husband and I fail to see eye to eye. I think I am right and he thinks he is right ( neither one of us barely want to admit we are wrong). We have definitely hit some rough patches through the years. But today, as I was sitting and reflecting on all the times I failed to "fix" what was broken in my life (instead I was trying to work on the broken areas of his life), it hit me. For one, I have some areas in my own life that need a little tweaking and weeding out, but most of all, I feel guilty for trying to correct or repair his flaws. Tears immediately filled my eyes and I was soon reminded of girl I once came in contact with through being a substitute teacher.
When I arrived to the middle school, I assumed this day was going to be like any other day of substituting- you know, the normal "lets take advantage of the teacher being away" kind of thing. Wrong! I was told I was going to go around to different classrooms and be a guide to those children that were in resource. The mobile resource teacher was absent so it was all on me. My first thought was, what? This was all new to me and I honestly wanted to turn around and walk out the door. I was selling myself short ( like I always do) and telling myself that I would be of no help. But..I took a deep breath and walked into my first classroom. Immediately, I was introduced to a young girl.
She was in seventh grade and was shy as can be. Inside, I couldn't help but smile. For I was once like that. From that point on, I knew just how to make her warm up to me. So, we began talking and little by little I could see her smile. To avoid being too corrective over her school work, I turned my back and let her do her own thing. I wanted her to lean on me when she needed support. Minutes after I turned my back, I heard a few boys in the back of the classroom poking fun of her about her
appearance and disabilities. I remember her looking back at them with tears in her eyes. The boys fed off her weakness and poison continued to spew from their mouths. The girl turned around and put her head on the desk and just squalled. I got up, told the classroom teacher and asked if I could step out in the hallway with the girl to work on her school work. We were in the hall for a good while, sitting in silence before the girl spoke to me. And what she said I will never forget. "My parents are divorced and my mother struggle everyday with depression. I get made fun of daily for my disabilities and each day I hate coming to school. Is a normal life too much to ask for? What is so wrong with me?" Tears gathered in my eyes and I knew exactly why I was meant to be there. I sat in the hallway while this girl just wept on my shoulder. My heart just broke for her. At first, I didn't know what to say. But words began to flow and her smile came back. She later told me that day that I was the first person in a while to make her laugh. That night, as I laid in bed, I thanked God for allowing me to touch her life.
Today, I ventured back to this day. I will admit, there were a few times when I became very frustrated with this girl and how repetitive I had to be because I did not fully comprehend her disability. Even though I was patient and kind, inside, my patience was wearing thin. Like I said before, My husband and I don't see eye to eye sometimes but maybe that doesn't need to be the focal point...maybe its not as complicated as seeing eye to eye..maybe its understanding heart to heart. You know, simply be the bigger person and put others needs and troubles before your own. Seeing on a different level. I know there will be times when I think I am right and he is wrong...whether I am or I am not, it is time to let go of pointing out his flaws and focus on what I need to fix in my own life. Just like the young girl I tutored, I couldn't imagine how depressing it would be to hear your flaws being pointed out every day.
I think I focus too much on having the American Dream. You know....the perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect career. Hate to say it, but that does not exist. And even if it did, I don't want to be a part of it. My best friend gave me a book that I feel should be on everyone's "to read" list. It is called Radical by David Platt. I am in the process of reading it now and each time I pick it up I find it hard to lay down. This book talks about taking up your cross daily and asks what is Jesus worth to you? For me, I was more worried on having and living that American dream that I failed to focus on what truly mattered in life. I focused on trying to "fix" what didn't need my help fixing. Life is more about seeing life through a different perspective. I will try my hardest from this day on to make sure my future is one without regret...to let go of what I can't change or fix and focus on what I have and not what I don't have. In due time, everything will fall into place.
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." -Luke 9:23 NIV
